It has been a while!

Time does seem to run away with us all. I feel last year went far to quick. Today I sit hear working on a new qualification for level 1 health and care thinking how did I get to January 2020.

What a year 2019 was for our family, it was a year of losing Grumpy and the year was consumed by the loss. I don’t think there is any other way to describe it as a life changing loss. I find it odd that I don’t have a dad, I struggled with birthday cards on Xmas day in fact I did not put any of them up as dad’s name was missing and I struggled with that which I know may sound odd. How odd at 49 my main response to turning this age was to feel bereaved again.

I feel that 2019 was a year of transition, we all knew grumpy would die for Alzheimers because we all totally understood it was a progressive disease with NO CURE (no cure in this day and age but there will be I am sure one day) but I suppose because he didn’t forget us all we felt the journey may last longer. It’s odd as a family we just hoped that it would not be prolonged and that he wouldn’t totally forget us all, we hoped he would not suffer anymore then he was but now I would like him back. Its a selfish want and I know that but hey bereaving is not set out in a step by step process. There is nothing to say today you will feel this, tomorrow you will do this and then in 6 months time hey presto you will be fully OK. It doesn’t work like that. I laid in bed the other day reliving the week he died, going over and over as to why I did not get in my car and go home on the Wednesday,  I thought why did I let people pursued me to not travel that evening, I could have made it before the call at 9pm that evening. But I didn’t go I ask my self why all the time. I know it’s irrational to overly worry about the WHY but I see myself arriving at the home where he was for the last 4 days of his life, and laying next to him saying good bye Dad. I imagine that often.

But we are now here in 2020 and I am going to make the most of life, now don’t get me wrong it’s not been a great start regarding health (back troubles) but it’s not going to stop me making the most of being alive. I aim to get more active (swimming mainly), I aim to push more qualification writing, I aim to try to get the social media train working to my advantage of pushing care as a career.

So I have just popped on to say I will try to become more regular, I will try to make my post interesting and I will aim to get the book off the ground. These are aims nothing more nothing less, they may not happen but working towards them happening is what I am going to be doing.

I know this is a random blog but aren’t the best ones unplanned and unscripted. It’s a mish mash I know but does it matter.

See you later

When the time is right

See you later

When the moon is out

See you later

When you can hear me shout

See you later

When I close my eyes

See you later

When I remember your smile

See you later

When my memories become brighter

Bye for now

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