Grumpy’s Donation to Science (and cremation)

If you have read my blog or visited my attention to care group on facebook then you will have heard me talk about Grumpy (my Dad). Grumpy died from Alzheimer’s 3rd April 2019 it was a short journey for us from diagnosis to Grumpy dying. Grumpy and my mother had both made arrangements to have their bodies donated to science rather then a large funeral. They had both signed up for donation and we were all informed of this by them both. I was sceptical I have to admit, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it but now I can tell you I could not be prouder or more amazed at the process.

Mum and I spent the 4th APRIL phoning to see if the local body repository could take dad, do remember it’s not as easy as signing a bit of paper.  Once the person has died you need to check which university hospital has room (you are normally signed up to your local one)  or check if the have restrictions (because some will not take people of a certain size or if the died of an infectious disease). Mum called all around the country and eventually Nottingham university hospital (The National Repository Centre, based at City Hospital) agreed to take Grumpy. They organised the transport (there was a cost for us) and then took him on his journey to help within medical research. We had been informed that he could be with them for 2 years and so we were prepared for the wait but we had been reassured that we would be invited to a cremation ceremony.

We decided to do a little get together for family and friends to remember Grumpy which was lovely. However, I think there was still an element of a feeling things have not been completed and I suppose there was an element of when may they call to say they are doing the cremation ceremony. Not that I am saying this is a bad thing but I think you have to be prepared to feel that regarding a loved one and not to hide that feeling (which I believe we did).

After having Grumpy for 5 months mum got the call to say they are ready to have the ceremony and invited us to attend (people had mentioned it would not be personal or that there would be more then one family in the same ceremony). Sadly not everyone could attend but some of us could and I am very grateful that I was able to be there. We had the cremation on 3rd September 2019 at 9:30 at Gedling Crematorium it was the most beautiful setting. 69939097_563219157755524_8512856593509908480_n

We arrived as Grumpy was been taken in and we were able to give the sunflowers and roses we had prepared with all our names on to be with him and my sister Joanna wrote him a note which the lovely funeral director placed on the coffin. It was very emotional but I can honestly say it was so personal, kind, thought provoking and comforting service I have ever been to. There was not an overly formal feeling Bernard the funeral director informed us that him and his team have  been the ones driving Grumpy around to each of the hospitals. He reminded us of what a help grumpy will have been to mankind for selflessly allowing scientific research and young doctors learn from his death. We were able to choose the songs that played as we walked in and while we sat in the room and as we walked out. We were allowed time to go to the coffin and place our hands and say both hello and some of us said our goodbyes. Bernard did a beautiful ceremony and I was able to get up and do a speech about Grumpy. I have to say Nottinghamshire funeral services did us proud. I can not thank them

It was honestly beautiful and I will now be looking into this process myself. I am thankful that we have been lucky enough to have this moment and even though we still have one final trip with Grumpy to the Angel of The North it was a much needed time.

The point to this blog is to just say have a look at donating if you want, I have checked out the site and there is so much that they tell you so you know what will happen. I am so proud for what this service has done and as a family we thank you. We are grateful for what Grumpy stands for.

As I said the other day ‘grumpy was a giant of a man’ he was our grumpy and we will miss him’. We know he is waiting somewhere and we know he is telling us ‘before you come here you must have squeezed every ounce of laughter and joy from your life’.

We will aim to do just that. 69556012_679307149235639_869669833069821952_n

 

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Loss and what you can expect!

Loss is such a unique experience for each person.

Sometimes we hear the news and immediately scream with sadness. Sometimes we start moving at hyper speed and make all the calls to inform people. Sometimes we are at a standstill, with no actually understanding what has just been relayed to us.

It’s unique. Unique to every person.

One thing I know, is that no-one can tell you how to feel or how you should be feeling. They can’t tell you to stop feeling or feel more. It is something that must happen when and as it wants. It must be organic.

Sometimes, you might feel the need to put on a façade. Sometimes you may hold back those feelings, simply because you don’t have the capacity to deal with them. Sometimes, loss brings anger – and that anger may have to be withheld.

Loss has a way of placing you in a state of turmoil, a turmoil that flits from one emotion to another within seconds. All I know is you can’t fully control it. It doesn’t run on a timeline, it doesn’t know how to fit into your life and come at the best time – purely because, well, there is no good time for it. That’s why, some people struggle more, some struggle less and some pretend. Many people are already dealing with struggles of their own and when loss appears, it makes it hard to see the wood for the trees.

I have recently been through a loss. Grumpy (my father) who I have spoken about before died 3rd April 2019. He had Alzheimer’s and in truth, I feel we commenced grieving from the day of his diagnosis.

I did not get back home to him in time. Suffice to say, this has affected me immensely. I feel regret.

I wish I could have seen his face one more time, I wanted to hold his hand one more time, I wanted to feel his love one more time. This is a comfort I wanted to give myself. A comfort I think I deserved. It’s not selfish to want this for myself; it is normal. I wanted to say, bye dad, see you later or just plain old love you dad.

I will get through this and I will continue to live the best life I can, but it may be be a little tarnished for a while. Perhaps forever, but that’s okay because at least I am feeling.

What I take from the loss of Grumpy is that in death, there is life. Great good can come from intense sadness and loss and this is exactly what I feel with the loss of my father. Grumpy chose to have his body donated to medical science and my mother tirelessly worked to ensure he got his wish. He could be the bridge between life and death for future generations. He could help scientists find more information about Alzheimer’s to lead them that step close to a cure. Ultimately,I wish he was still here, but only here at his best, at his strongest and at his happiest. I wish he was here to tell us we will be okay, even though I already know we will be. His comfort and huge presence will be missed more than words can explain. This has emphasised a fact I always knew to be true – making memories is the most important thing. So, please, everyone, make them and cherish them. Don’t waste a moment. Memories remain and pain disperses.

Don’t worry about how you feel. Just feel what you feel.